I’ve had a great deal of time to think lately. School is nearly done and I hardly have any work left to do, which leaves me with more free time than I’m used to spending. Most of it is spent in the library thinking, journaling, reading, or watching films – pleasure and educational alike. It’s been a curious freedom that I’m learning to utilize well, and not because I feel I should be working or doing something all the time, but because time is one of the most consequential commodities God has gifted us with. I want to use it well; I don’t want to cheapen it.

As such, I’ve delved into the expectations and hopes I have for myself both in the coming future, as well as for the rest of my life. These aren’t just working or career anticipations, but more of the desires for who I am and who I hope to be. Existential crap, you know?

With this, I find myself longing for Camden once again. I have this urgency to learn film so that I may speak it fluently as a form of ministry (as Anthony Jones would put it, I’m mixing the pious and the profane). I’m freeing myself from the idol that was formulating around acquiring successful retirement and savings plans. I’m learning not to pursue my faith so volitionally, but instead to sit and be as God commands. I’m intimately reading the whole Old Testament for the first time, and soaking in the breadth of God’s love for His naïve and fickle creation – a mirror of myself. I can now saw I’ve had a racial awakening, and the way I observe humanity’s interaction with each other will forever be different.

And from it all, I have an extreme calming. I’m secure in God’s love for me, understanding of my own inadequacies, and vying for nothing more than the ability to participate in what I’ve been given. Life is quite pleasant, really.


~ by Chris Kyle on May 26, 2011.

One Response to “lights*”

  1. boom. Sounds great man. love it.

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