Never Be The Same

Lord, I stand before You humbled. I stand before You as a man who has suffered under his own shame and inability, but has started the process of breaking free towards Your affirming grace. I stand before You curious as to what’s next, and renewed in mind and spirit to recall the workings You’ve done this year. I can finally stand before You unafraid.

Tonight was our new coordinator initiation and old coordinator send-off. This is essentially a time for the advisors to acknowledge the work of their coordinators, as well as the coordinators to welcome in the new ones. I was apprehensive of how it would all go since it sucked up hours of the people’s lives tonight, but surely enough, people willingly came, and with a genuine grin to show for it. Laughter was bountiful, and high words were spoken as sentimental moments were shared; and people were filled with kind thoughts from those who respect them. Eventually my turn came and God was gracious enough to speak into my life the words that I had unknowingly been longing for. I was told I was respected. I was told I was looked up to. I was told my actions made a difference in the lives of others, and that my efforts made an impact on each ministry. I was told this year was not in vain.

Sarah helped me realize tonight that I’m often too hard on myself. I always expect more and am never content with where I’m at in the moment. There’s always more work to do. There’s always one more thing to better myself on. There’s always another sin I must repent for. And there is. But it shouldn’t end there, nor should I always be striving after the next checkpoint without stopping to enjoy where God’s brought me within the moment. I need to remember to look up and see that my life has been sanctified more now than it has been in the past. I need to look around and see that I’ve grown, that I’m more mature. I’m no longer that arrogant prick who strutted across campus much like freshman year. No, now I’m that struggling leader trying to tread water amidst the battles of maintaining physical purity, balancing friendships, and not being selfish with my time. Times certainly change, do they not?

I look forward to the end of this year. I look forward to finally being able to sit, rest, and look back on everything that occurred this year. I look forward to delving into retrospection and seeing the fingerprints of Jesus so clearly as He’s touched far more than I can see right now. A lot of this reminds me of a quote from Freddy Buechner:

“Who did Jesus commend? Not the ones who were righteous but the ones who hope they will be someday and in the meantime are well aware that the distance they still have to go is even greater than the distance they’ve already come.”

However, we must also be able to reflect on today and appreciate that where we go can only be pursued from who we are now. Again, I must raise my Ebenezer, for God has brought me thus far.



~ by Chris Kyle on May 20, 2010.

2 Responses to “Never Be The Same”

  1. i loved everything except “freddy.” that made me vomit just a little.

    let’s read more of him this summer.

  2. And how! You’re a good fellow, Chris. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in things that you forget that. There is much fruit from your life evident in the lives of many others.

    It’s often harder to see the good in ourselves than it is to see the good in others. You’re great at seeing it in others and I’m glad you realize that there’s quite a bit of Jesus in you as well.

    No year of your life is wasted. You will learn something or someone will grow one way or another, even when we don’t see it or feel it at the time. Something about James 1 and perseverance coming out of suffering.

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