Part 1:

I’ve listened to a couple sermons this week talk about how God doesn’t work out His issues with us as a transaction; rather, it’s a relationship where there isn’t a simple giving of back and forth. It’s a phenomenon so peculiar and unbelievable that we often miss the purpose of our own existence. God isn’t bound by the formalities of giving and receiving, and because of this neither should we. God’s grace is abundant, and because of this our capacity to receive it has no limits. The same goes for His love, mercy, and goodness. Ever-flowing love… what does this mean? It means that we have been given the most wondrous gift, asked to receive it, asked to embrace it, and then asked to spend it. “Enjoy, my children, and give away to those who need it. Don’t be afraid, I’ll grant you with even more once it has been spent.”


If there’s anything I’ve learned lately it’s this:

“Love, the most beautiful of virtues, is not immune to perversion; and this break has wreaked the most devastating of consequences.”

It’s a sad thing, really, how our depravity can be so engulfing even when the power of Christ to repel and abolish this nothingness is forever present. I think Christ’s revelation is true and captivating to the point of change, but only when we are accepting of this love – and this has to be a conscientious act performed at every moment. A lot of my fear lately has been with this perversion of love. People’s attachments, hidden idolatry, forceful encounters. It has left me quite jaded. I don’t know if it’s my own insecurities with intimacy that leaves me skeptical or the other parties’ obvious intentions that cause me to flee. I don’t know if my expectations of love are different from that in which they have or if it’s even parallel with the paradigm that Christ calls us to. I don’t know if it’s our own agendas are mixed into all this, or if we are even conscious of it, despite our intent.

I think the only remedy for this is the devouring of the Word. It’s led me out of disillusionment time and time again and I’ve now got to be headstrong in keeping up with the task. I was talking to Deb Nondorf the other day and through verbal processing (I’m coming to terms with the fact that this is actually effective for me life) it’s become apparent that I need two things: 1) To surround myself with people I trust and who can speak truth into my life and 2) To sit down, stop consulting others, and ask God what He wants me to do.

Lord, despite my insecurities, please help me to trust others and have faith that Your placement of them in my life is good. Give me discernment and wisdom to see with clarity the will You have for me. Don’t allow me to get caught up in the crippling vice of fear. Teach me to be a humble servant for You. Keep me conscientious of my actions. Show me where to spend my love. Woo me with Your gentle heart. Instill in me the hope found in Christ. Grant me the comfort and power of the Holy Spirit.

God, be merciful to me, the sinner.


~ by Chris Kyle on March 3, 2010.

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