Drink the Sea

I’m not sure where the Scriptural verse is, but I think there’s something in the Bible that calls us to pray for hidden sin to be unveiled and revealed to us. In doing so God surprised me with three distinct sins that I never thought I’d struggled with, and all of which seem to be wreaking devastating consequences.

Guilt. Anger. Fear.

This morning I was sitting in my desk looking at my life from above, slowly trying to put it back into perspective again. Sadly, all I could really see was a jumbled mess that disgusted me as this year’s culmination of decisions and actions seemed to be on replay down below. I saw myself as a pitiful character longing for something different, but unable to respond to the convictions that were laid before him. No, not unable – unwilling. I have been unwilling to admit defeat and that I was wrong, but I think part of it can be attributed to my own blindness to the issues at hand. In light of all this, I realized there had to be a change, but wasn’t quite sure what direction to take. Something like this had never happened before since coming to know Christ. Responding to conviction had always been simple and something I’d constantly strived for. I noticed I began to use the excuse we all hear in church about those who think themselves too busy to fix their lives and always want to put it off until later. I think I was falling into that, which was awfully humbling because whenever I heard those sermons I’d always scoffed at the fools who would do such a thing. Perhaps I’m not immune to as much as I say I am…

I was flipping through my Bible today and opened up to Luke, which reminded me of a couple of my favorite passages that Scripture has to offer. One of which is the story of the Pharisee and the Publican. In 18:13 the publican cries out, “God, be merciful to me, the sinner!” I have this written on my wrist and I plan on rewriting it day after day until I can see this mercy and change within my life. I don’t ever want to look down on my life again and see this stubborn, naïve character that’s attempting to have it all together. I want to be the admitting sinner confessing my existence as naught but dust and ashes.

It’s a lot more difficult than I expected, though, and in many regards I feel as if I’m starting back at square one in my Christian walk. Well, maybe not square one, but certainly at another checkpoint where I’ve been given new directions and have been asked to walk in a new direction than previously intended. The map simply reads, “The Path of Righteousness,” and it’s daunting to know that this time I’m not the one in control. It’s also frustrating knowing that I want nothing more than to wander off this newly created route and hop back on the hellish trek I’d been travelling before. Please God, keep me away. Keep me from striving after the past and wanting to recreate that which is not intended for my present.

I hope to see a lot of change soon. I’m weary and need rest.

Lord, help me to sleep well in Your promise tonight.

“O see the light ring through the fog
the herald of that distant star
that guides you the horizon through,
and fades forever when I move.

‘Come all,’ it calls, ‘and conquer
while your hearts are young and free;
may all who drink the sea be satisfied,
though all your fears are multiplied
by every inch of tide,
seek your souls before your jaded minds’

I’ve come to believe they’re not the same,
those who would sail and who remain.
I’ve come to believe they’re not the same,
and set to sea to spite the waves.”

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~ by Chris Kyle on March 2, 2010.

One Response to “Drink the Sea”

  1. i think perhaps the verse you’re thinking of is psalm 19:12:

    “How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults.”

    i’m glad to hear you’re responding to God’s Spirit, friend.

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