Hole Inside My Heart

I want nothing more than to be one of those “simple people” living for Jesus.

Last week I was talking with my friend Tyler as he shared his heart over the deep matters of his life, and amidst the conversation it was apparent that he wanted nothing more than to please Jesus with all his mere life had to offer. We talked on some worn-out couches as he sat with dirty jeans and a white undershirt expressing his earnest heart’s desire to be someone that honored our God despite the difficulty in doing so. He was at times lost for words and stared at the ground grasping for what to say next, but at times nothing would come. He didn’t know what else to say. But you could tell, just by looking at his demeanor and hearing his soft voice – nothing was more important than following the Christ he’s sworn his life to.

I had a great conversation with my other friend, Crissy, today as we discussed last quarter and the anxieties/excitements that we have for January. She was just like Tyler – simple and asking how to serve with the meager life she’s been given. She’s not looking for anything prestigious. She’s not hoping for the grandest of tales to intertwine with her life. A community to serve is all she wishes, and from there she’ll use whatever blessings she’s been given to pour out her life. Yes, life gets difficult and this can at times sway her, but she quickly seeks to get back on track to love Jesus even more. To be special in His eyes, not others. That’s it.

Ever since freshman year I’ve asked for nothing but my life to be an illustrious story. I’d hide behind the name of Christ to reach my goals, and continue to ride His glory for the sake of my own. A French novelist once said this:

“There is a kind of hypocrisy which is worse than that of the Pharisees; it is to hide behind Christ’s example in order to follow one’s own lustful desires and to seek the company of the dissolute.”

I felt I deserved the best. I figured I was the best. Ha, disillusionment seemed to be all that followed me. Praise God I have friends who can humble me with their basic desires, and show me that a true follower of Christ is one wanting Him more than themselves. I’ve given my fair share of simple pleas, but never will they be enough. I only pray that they match the sincerity of those who have shown me their hearts this break.

This past week has been one of gradual loneliness. Boise is different from ever before, and the sharp contrast between here and Seattle only continues to become more apparent. For a while my time was squandered and forever lost, but God has been good in showing me what I need to learn within my own self wallowing. It’s a phrase we’ve all heard, but Crissy brought it up today when talking about moments of despair in saying that, “God was after my heart then. I’m sure of it.” This past week God has relentlessly sought my heart and it’s finally been claimed. Clutched in His hand I understand His mercy once again. He’s shown me my pride in a multitude of things, and called me to repentance. He’s shown me my need for community and despite the fact that I may be a leader, autonomy within this role is detrimental to my life. I need people. I desperately need people. I can’t function without them. He’s shown me I’m not perfect. He’s shown me some of the deepest flaws within myself. But I’m slowly being redeemed. No, I’ve already been redeemed – I’m just slowly learning what all this entails.

“Give me your heart, my son, and let your eyes delight in my ways.” – Proverbs 23:26

God is good, even when I’m not. I only pray that my past actions haven’t caused others to despise His name.

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~ by Chris Kyle on December 24, 2009.

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