Lux Aeterna

“Where are you excited for life when looking at where your passions intertwine with that of the upside-down kingdom?”

Last night I had a brilliant time sitting under the cabana while watching the sunset, listening to video game instrumental music, and praying for whatever God had in mind. He gave me this question, which led to a series of other thoughts, and I’m really hoping I can recollect a vast majority of them as I muse over the future and intrigue of what the idea of “my story” means for us all.

Life’s taken multiple detours, revamps, and alterations in terms of personal ambitions over the past couple years, and it reached a point last year were I was literally afraid to dream of where I wanted to go next out of fear of my hopes being too selfish or driven by naïve expectation. I remember talking to Ed Smyth about this and him saying that this is completely understandable, but I’ve got to recognize that the dreams I held for my life freshmen year were most likely originated by immature hopes and beliefs. So true. Moreover, I’ve had two years to grow-up since then, and with that, my motivations have matured as well; so I should start asking myself what I want to do now because a lot of my thoughts aren’t going to be bogged down with the same egocentric vices.

Where to next, then? I still don’t have much of a clue, but in consideration to recent circumstances my aspirations for the post-grad life are slowly becoming clearer. Here are some of the things I want to do with the utmost avidity in the years to come:

1) Go to graduate school for writing, or something of the sorts. There’s going to be much prayer for the rest of this break, and perhaps even next quarter depending on time restraints, as to whether or not I’m going to pursue my educational ministry major. Instead, I want to fill the open slots with English credits to at least get a taste for what to expect in further education, as well as receive a learned opinion on where my ability to write falls within the scale of sexy and abysmal.

2) Attain a properly working British accent. Actually, I want to have one before I graduate so that I may implement it into real life and finally attain legitimacy towards the truth that I was, indeed, born in England. Or maybe even Wales.

3) Move to the east coast. It can be anywhere, in fact, as long as it’s away from the northwest and into a culture I’m terribly unfamiliar with. I love Seattle and I have no problem living here for years to come, but I want to make another move and see what else this culturing world has to offer. However, this decision, along with all the others, will be heavily based on the voice of God saying, “Si se puede,” or “No si se puede.”

4) Learn piano. Yes, just like half the rest of the world. And yes, I may be like the 90% that never get around to it, but I’m going to hold on to this dream as long as I can in the hopes that I’m finally given time to pursue it.

5) Sleep on the streets for a year. It doesn’t even have to be on the streets – I just want to live as a traveler meeting people and trudging along without structured responsibility. I’d spend my days scouting out new people to talk to, reading whimsical tales, and writing about my adventures. I could go days without eating, hitchhike my way across the nations, sleep under bridges, run for my life from the haters, preach on soapboxes, discover different church communities, and, heaven forbid, not shower every day. Perhaps I’ll rethink this idea…

Hmm… after looking at some of these I realize that my dreams are few, still a bit immature, and range quite a bit on the scale of intent, but nevertheless, they are my dreams and stem from what interests me and what I love. I think the greatest stride in maturity, though, lies within my ability to forsake any one of these dreams and travel along a path that God instead has for my life. I don’t know where I’m currently headed, nor do I particularly care – at least not yet. Opportunities may be in heavy demand, but with God they always seem to be copious in amount. And it’s this belief that eases my anxiety in knowing where I’m headed next. I have my personal ideas for what I’d like to do, but really, where do they pale in comparison to the betterment that God has instead? That’s what I’m truly curious about. My passions only carry so much volume when they are done outside of prayer for God’s will.

However, in discerning what God has next, one shouldn’t be excessively distraught. I’m starting to firmly believe in the idea that we are held accountable solely to what we know and how we act upon this knowledge. In light of where to go in life, God satisfies our curiosity in His own time, meaning we’ll be enlightened when He feels it appropriate. In the meantime, we’re called to keep on walking as He directs our steps. I picture God in the background, pushing us along to tread along this path saying, “Go, you can do it. If you start to fall or waver then I’ll catch you and put you back on the path if so you wish. Just shout out and keep asking. And even when you don’t I’ll still be giving advice.” So keep on walking, people, and don’t be afraid to trip, because as long as obedience and response dwell within, you’re bound for greatness.

In thinking about where to go, life isn’t simply about the tangible things we do, but the sanctifying and glorifying work that comes out of it. One’s avocation is something we are all intrigued about, but it only deserves so much pondering while there is still work to be done towards our true vocation. I wrote this in my little notebook yesterday:

“God’s given me a life to be proud of. A life redeemed. That’s where I find my joy and hope – in the truth that lies within God’s promises and the actions of Jesus Christ on the cross. He granted me this destiny of liberation, not imprisonment. And I shall live honorably in tribute to Him. My fealty is sworn, O’ Lord.”

Sometimes when I think about life I envision myself on this grand cliff overlooking a vast world where all I can see are mountain tops and clouds coating the land below. Or I’m on a ship, at the bow, nearly tipping over at the excitement and what’s ahead. I could steer left into a storm, right into uncharted islands, or just keep traveling ahead until I find my next adventure. The unpredictability of life is what gives it such a fresh feel, and knowing that the pursuit towards righteousness can occur within each one of these realms leaves me overjoyed. No matter where I’m taken, I can still live a righteous life, teach others what it means to live righteously, and gather followers all for the sake of the Kingdom! That’s where I see my story going. It’s naught but a magnificent tale of a boy who sought light. Yes, I’ll shout out in bravado saying that my life is magnificent! And yours can be as well. Though I live in the paradox of absolute freedom from sin, yet complete servitude to my Lord, I am freer than anyone who has yet to know Christ.

But I must sharpen my mind! I must seek wisdom! I must further my pursuit towards perfection for the sake of the cross! That’s what I’m most concerned over when thinking about the future. Where did I stagnate? Where did I falter in furthering my excellence as a son of God? These are where some of my greatest fears reside.

Lastly, I’ve decided to try and keep up with this blog, at least for the month, while I have time. Only upon further conviction will I continue it during the school year, but until then, enjoy it while you can. I suppose it should also be noted that the greatest way to describe why I write is that I’m in a process of understanding individuality for sake of corporate illumination. Self discovery juxtaposed onto the masses. That’s one of my responsibilities, at least for now.


~ by Chris Kyle on December 15, 2009.

One Response to “Lux Aeterna”

  1. Chris Chris Chris. This is good.
    And graduate school for writing? This seems right. Your written voice is so unique. You should talk to Josh Anway. I think you have a lot in common.

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