With Everything

I believe myself to have an obligation to the world with the words I write and the thoughts I think. It may sound odd, and perhaps my vision is a tad bit skewed, but this irrevocable conviction pertains to me having recently focused my writing too selfishly and I’m looking to finally appease this notion of discomfort by starting up the blog again.

I’ve spent the past three days lounging in this paradise of a land called Maui with none other than the family I nannied for last summer. There have been a surprising and unforeseen series of events that’s landed me here, but nonetheless, I can say it’s good, and I’m thoroughly enjoying the time I have with these people.

The bulk of my day was spent on the beach building the most grandest of sandcastles with Max, or should I say, building it myself as Max joyfully ran away from the incoming tide time and time again. We used buckets, cups, shovels, and tiny little swords to create and decorate this magnificent artifact, but interest was eventually lost when the life jacket came out symbolizing a freedom to rule the sea as Max set out to float the ocean blue. We searched for shark teeth, drank gallons of seawater, and let the waves carry us to and fro the beach. Our hair and clothes looked to be forever condemned and permeated by the God-forsaken sand as we finally crawled back to our towels. Moments of joy and laughter ensued for the rest of that day as I told him I was the son of Poseidon and could control water at any capacity. This was hard to reconcile with my already ongoing lie of me actually being Dwayne Johnson, but I think, with an immense amount of rhetoric, the dream is still alive. He’s a fairly easy kid to persuade if you change the subject quickly enough.

What’s been most fruitful about this time, though, is my ability to watch the family from a distance (even if it may be only a couple feet), and how a father, mother, and son interact with each other on a daily basis. I get to see firsthand their excelling ability to love, and their faltering ability to degrade one another. I get to see a gruff father cautiously attempt at giving his son affection and a dutiful mother carry on through the day simply trying to mend peace between the two; all the while dealing with this little thing we call “life” that continues to penetrate through even her barriers. I get to see what happens when I child doesn’t finish his dinner, or refuses to get out of the pool. I get to see punishment firsthand and what an actual heart looks like as it melts at the glance from a crestfallen boy who just got his dessert privileges taken away. I get to see two parents just trying to be excellent with what they know. No more, no less. I get to see humanity in its rawest form as there are literally two people before me trying to work in conjunction with one another in trying to raise a child. It’s beautiful and utterly heartbreaking as I can see what effects are uplifting and hindering to this kid.

Despite what I may see, my love for them has only continued to grow as they have “adopted” me into the family and I’ve found my role as more than just the “manny” named Cheerio. This goes into realms too personal to talk about, but the need for human support, whether it is through God’s ability to use us as vessels, or our inherent ability to love, is a lucid concept that continues to blow me away each night. As I emerge into adulthood I can finally begin to see life through a lens not handed to me day after day by my parents, but through a set of glasses I continue to personally construct and view from at different perspectives. To Max, I’m nothing more than an older brother to swim and build sand castles with. He doesn’t know hardly anything about the amount of hours I put in at school this past quarter doing ASSP or studying, let alone the late nights I spent at Sarah’s. Those things don’t serve my purpose in his life anyway, so why should he have to know? I just find it interesting how blissfully oblivious one can be and how the emergence into “real life” seems to come much faster than we think.

Because here I am, in “real life” or at least close to as college is over in a year and a half, and I’m no longer looking at life as a means to please myself. Life’s become too obviously corporate and because of this, a life to fulfill my own wishes, especially when I know Jesus, is awfully foolish. Whether it’s Christ in me, or my upbringing, or both, as human experience is never to be discounted, my eyes are slowly beginning to shift towards “you” and not “me.” I think a lot of it can be attributed to the abundance of opportunities God has shown me where people’s own brokenness is so blatant that any thought of myself would made null and their own suffering instead brought first and foremost to the altar.

Is this what Paul is talking about in saying that we must die to ourselves? If so, it makes me want to throw up. That, and stand up once more to keep pursuing this perilous route towards light.

I apologize as I’d love to keep writing from here, but I promised someone I’d be in bed by midnight.

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~ by Chris Kyle on December 13, 2009.

One Response to “With Everything”

  1. Aren’t you glad I convinced you not to quit daykamp?

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