Requiem

I’m sick and I think my head is about to explode. Oh dear. I cannot wait to drug myself up and sleep for hours after writing this.

I was sitting in my theories class today, quite bitter and upset at how much I don’t care about the book we are reading, when this question popped into my head: “What am I working towards?”

It’s a valid question too, because here I am, a twenty-year-old college student trying to earn a couple degrees to go out into the world and do what? Become a pastor? Work for a non-profit organization? Evangelize on the streets of Seattle and sleep in a homeless shelter for a couple years? Travel across the nation or even world and pick up life on a completely different pace than what I’m currently living? Pastor Richard spoke yesterday about how, “We don’t get to choose our role in the story; instead the role is given to us.” And that role we are given, well, I may not even know what it is until the moment it’s thrust upon me. Actually, no, that’s not true. Our role isn’t defined by a single moment or event, or even a grand decision that may alter the rest of our life – our role is handed out daily, and that’s all we should be prepping for. I was talking with Sarah about what life’s going to look like post-SPU, and we both have no idea what we’re doing. Yeah, there are small ambitions here and there, but when it comes down to it, there’s not much I’m eagerly anticipating to pursue.

I think that’s all right, though. God’s been faithful in opening up a variety of doors as the years go by, some of which I initially regret but grow to love; others I have high expectations for but later understand it wasn’t what I quite thought it would be. Either way, I’m going in a direction that I can faithfully say is good in the eyes of the Lord, and it’s simply my goal to make the most out of what each day has to offer. I’ve decided to start praying for each individual event in my day when I wake up. That way I can stay focused on what needs to get done, but also so that I can find joy in each individual moment as those are the tasks God’s called me to perform for the day. And I pray that I may do them well.

When I leave SPU the tagalong name of “Chris Kyle” is hastily going to die, I’ve come to realize. It’s been a process, but for so long my name was the identity I’ve sought to build up solely for the prestige and power I may receive from it. I’m sure it came to the point where it’s where I found my worth, and if it was threatened in any way I would become defensive and haughty in trying to save it. But what about now?
Keuss mentioned today about the Gerasene Demoniac found in Mark 5. In here we have this demon possessed man literally destroying his own body because of the evil spirits that dwell within him. There is an affliction so great that he cannot say his own name, but only that of “legion.” He can’t muster up the truth of his identity because he’s lost it completely and doesn’t know how to reclaim who he really is. And then we have Jesus, who shows up and restores this man’s name by casting out the demons that have plagued him so by sending them into a herd of swine. Afterwards, the man asks if he might accompany Jesus, but He responds, “Go home to your people and report to them what great things the Lord has done for you, and how He had mercy on you.” (Mark 5.19) Jesus provided this man with his true identity, the one that God gave to him; not the one his culture and community had so uncaringly given. However, what’s interesting is that Jesus says no to the man on him physically accompanying Him on His journey. Instead the man is asked to go home and preach the wonders of what Christ has done. Christ says, “Hey, this role you want isn’t in the story. Here is your new role, your new name, your new identity. Take it and proclaim the truth of the Lord.”

I believe I’m at this point where I’m on the verge of reclaiming my new name in Christ. This honor of VPM and the reputation that comes with the name I’ve built is becoming more and more foreign to me as the days linger on. How much do they matter anyway, you know? Especially in comparison to the Name that I should be representing! I just wonder where God is going to send me to preach this glorious Name, and how much of it depends upon my own ability to grasp the name that God first blessed me with.

So I must ask myself: “Am I going to delight in the fruit my own pride, or will I assume the role of a ‘man of whom the world is not worthy… having gained approval through faith, and having not received what was promised, because God had provided something better.’” (Heb. 11.38-39)

I think it all comes down to faith. To be triumphant in faith. We can trust in our own prerogatives and successes, but how does that separate us from being any different from the rest of the world? Are those the triumphs of faith Christ has called us to? I don’t think so. I think it’s when you forsake everything of selfish ambition and say, “Christ, I trust You, and I’m ready to finally pursue an adventure far greater than myself.”

Relinquish yourself of autonomy and finally give up your crutch.

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~ by Chris Kyle on October 27, 2009.

2 Responses to “Requiem”

  1. Mmmmmm i like humility and you having it!

    You’re wonderful and I promise to love you even with “Chris Kyle” is just a normal name!

  2. Hahaha, I just re-stumbled across your blog once again, and I really like this passage.

    And, just because I’m me, I especially like your use of the word Relinquish at the end.

    Ooooh, the imagery that comes with that word. 🙂

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