Break Myself

I spent my night hanging out with a guy who gave up meth a year ago and another friend who has at least three felonies pending on his record. I heard stories of their past and how they found Christ despite their current condition – or should I say, they found Christ because of their current condition? These guys were at points in their lives where they knew they had to make a choice about how they wanted to live and fortunately enough the route they took led to Christ. Now, I understand that a lot of situations like this don’t end up as beautiful, but I’m curious if they all eventually end up at Christ only to end with rejection because of pride or unwillingness to commit. Aside from this, I’m also intrigued by the idea of people who change anyway, without the name of Christ being spoken. What if their life takes a radical 180, but they do it to help a friend or family member, or even to better themselves, and Christ’s name isn’t even acknowledged? Is this the power of God at work, or simply the will of mankind? Should these new, “good” acts performed be looked at as God’s power working through them, or is it to be ignored because they aren’t Christians? I think the latter answer is foolish, but the first one leaves me at a blank because then I wonder if God forced His good intentions upon these people; if they are living out their free will; or if they are doing His will while remaining oblivious to what’s really going on.

“Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow.” – James 1:17

I know God can work through non-believers to make His will be done, but what is to become of these people that are performing Christ-like acts but are unaware that it’s the power of God? Are they damned because they don’t haven’t given confirmation to being His follower, or is God’s mercy extended to them even after death despite His name never being the one directly glorified? I feel like I already know the answer, but it’s still a thought I hadn’t asked in a while.

All of this also makes me think about the movie I saw on Sunday, When the Earth Stood Still. The climax hits when mankind realizes that they only way they can survive is if they change their actions because they are currently killing the Earth. This sudden ultimatum has me questioning how people make decisions as well. Is a deadline really the only way one will change their ways in bettering themselves or even in making a drastic decision? Moreover, how authoritative does this ultimatum have to be? Can it be made by themselves? Can somebody genuinely want to change and will that change no matter what the cost is? Hmm… Is that not what Christ asks of us?

So why don’t we do it? Why aren’t we willing to make that full conversion because you’d think hell is a convincing enough reason to convert, right? Not only that, but a life left without the ultimate fulfillment that Christ brings. There has to be something more to the equation. I think it’s because Jesus, heaven, hell, and servanthood is something that we are incapable of fully grasping. As a result, we aren’t capable of completely handing our lives over because Jesus just isn’t real enough. Yes, He causes us to alter our way of life through the Spirit, but it will never be fully complete until His coming. I also think the fall of man and human nature has a lot to do with it too. That’s really why we have these misconceptions of Jesus and the cause of us not being able to understand what it means to fully hand one’s life over. I think I’m just looking for another way to improve my relationship with Him, and forcing it seems like a good route. At the same time I feel like I’m utterly wrong. Perhaps I’ll just pray that I either realize my brokenness and seek forgiveness and the strength to change, or that He breaks me so that I am brought back up with the eyes to see life through a different lens.

As for the post below, I’ve had some people who are concerned about me and my relationship with God. Please know that everything is fine and that this is just who I deal with problems and questions – through writing. My prayers are often written, and most of my understandings come from spelling things out. I think the main thing I was trying to get across below was that I am broken, and you are broken, but there is still good in our lives. We may falter, but that doesn’t give us an excuse to quit, because our fallibility is inevitable. I appreciate your words in helping me seek things, and I pray that you send more, but at the same time I don’t want my life to be perceived as if I don’t know what’s going on. There is sin in my life that I’m unaware of, just like everybody else, but there are also transgressions I’m currently tackling and I know how to fix them. Actually, I know how to fix all of them, and it’s with Jesus, but most of the time I’m either too stubborn to seek that forgiveness or to address my brokenness. Thanks to all for your concern, but please know that my life is full of love, and never will my darkness overtake the light in my heart. Jesus Christ is too strong to let that happen, and I’m too in love to take that risk.

Please, keep on loving, friends.


~ by Chris Kyle on December 24, 2008.

One Response to “Break Myself”

  1. The only time to be concerned is when we stop asking these questions.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: