Passing Sorrow

It’s as if I live in a realm of reverie, oblivious to the hearts of others while I bask in my own sin. Inescapable to the weak, yet intriguing to the curious, I play along to the enticement of my demon. I’ve become unstable, knowing the antithesis of life, and feeling as if I’m the only one. My curse of self-seeming dereliction has become the bane of my existence.

I’m wary in the discovering my own vices, and weary of giving in.

I’m sick of affirmation, yet hungry for affection.

I’m trapped in a pool where mercy must cut to the depths, and grace must abound to the ungrateful.

What about those times of love and joy? Those days of elation and utmost jubilation found in the center of friendship? The times where laughter was inevitable and adoration seeped into my very soul? Where the hush tones of passion consumed my very existence? Yes, I remember, I have been in love. However, why I am I tardy in recognizing these memories?

My words are forced; my feelings unpredictable; my relationship a wonder.

I cry for the downcast; I walk past the homeless; I stop for the poor.

Colors are dull; zealousness in numb; conversation is empty.

We live in a world where perception of our peers runs on a single track, nullifying the reality of our multi-faceted lives. Love and hate coexist, as do apathy and concern. Amidst my vices of selfishness and pride, there are hints of selfless acts and humble doings. Amongst my deeds of service there is a heart conflicted between genuineness and impartiality. Commitment seems near impossible; a task I often feel incapable of.

I feel lost, lonesome, and somewhat sinister at the moment, but in an hours time I know I’m going to be spending the rest of the day surrounded by those I love most, living out my more cheerful personality. This is what I don’t understand about life. How is human nature so twisted while at the same time capable of reaching such extremes of love? How does the power of Christ fit into all of this? Are those that don’t know Christ capable of such extremities, and if so, do they also receive conviction? I believe it’s universal for everybody to dream of ameliorating their current condition – I certainly do – but how do we prevent ourselves from becoming idolaters of excellence?

I want to be the best while at the same time I’m called to be a servant. I want to be known, but I’m told the greatest leaders are those who haven’t received recognition. Why is it that I’m so attracted to culture’s teachings concerning the value of merit and authentic distinction?

Oh happy day. The hardships of life can be overwhelming, but the beauty is what truly captivates.

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~ by Chris Kyle on December 23, 2008.

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